From an early age we find ourselves searching for love, when we need something and are given it, we understand this to be love. We fall over and a parent gives us a hug and we feel better, so we learn the powerful limiting belief that others give us love and we feel better, in other words, others provide us with the love we need. So here begins our continual search to be loved. We want someone to ‘love us’, but have you ever thought about what this really means. I have, I’ve contemplated what I was looking for in my husband, I realised when I was truly honest with myself, I wanted him to validate me, to make me feel like I belonged and when he rejected me through an unkind act or word I would feel ‘unloved’. So, I was placing my happiness in his hands, I was giving him the power to decide my worthiness.
I considered was this then about ‘self-love’, should I be loving myself; but I knew that this was a misunderstood concept and that any act of self-love would simply exaggerate the ego, the aspect of the personality (mind) that needed love in the first place, so I was simply moving the responsibility to feel loved from my husband onto myself. But myself (false self), was not capable of self-love, and therefore it was seeking it from my husband, as are most of the population – seeking love from a relationship. This relationship is interchangeable one day it could be your partner, the next your boss, another day a friend.
It suddenly occurred to me that when I went beyond the needs and indeed the neediness of my false self, wanting to be loved, and became one with my true self, I was love. That as love I didn’t need anyone to love me, but rather that I could love everyone else, that the love I was looking for was in the expression of it through me. As love my only option, my only truth was to share what I was experiencing with others, share the love that I am. I had moved from needing someone to validate me, through their love which was inconsistent, to a complete feeling of love that was always flowing.
I say love but it’s not really, it’s not an earthly love, it’s a love that can be best described as a feeling of completeness, the opposite of the emptiness that is felt when rejected by those whom you need to love you in order to feel complete. I guess what I realised was that this completeness was what I was looking for, the wholeness of mySELF, with nothing missing, no gaps that needed filling by another person, we can even extend this to a gap that is temporarily filled by addictions to food, sex, shopping, gambling, drugs etc.
So, is it even really love? Well it’s definitely not the love you know, it is a completeness that you feel when loved by another for sure, and yet it goes even deeper than that. But let’s not get hung up on words here, instead seek to experience the completeness of who you are when another rejects you, when they take away their love, for they cannot ever be consistent in love, they cannot deliver to you what you want from them, this is too big an ask, an impossible ask. As you go past the pain of rejection you will find the completeness of who you are. You will once again feel whole, instead of looking for someone or something to fill the hole within you.
A final note here, for those of you who feel this more with addictions, a better word in this context might be compulsions, the rejection as it were appears when you cannot get hold of your addiction, the next bar of chocolate or drug for example. You begin to feel desperate, an overwhelming need to have ‘it’ in order to feel OK once again. Is it really chocolate that does that to you? Or is it the fear of not feeling complete that frightens you? Notice how complete you feel when your addiction is fulfilled, but this is false and temporary. So now can you not fill that void with your addiction, and instead let yourself feel the fear that arises within you so that you can move into your own completeness.
Love Jacqueline Mary Phillips x